Indian Standard Time now an officially recognized time zone

Indian Standard Time now an officially recognized time zone

GREENWICH, UK – The International Astronomical Union (IAU) has announced that Indian Standard Time is now an officially recognized time zone. INDIAN Standard Time is not the same as INDIA Standard Time (UTC + 5:30), which is the official time zone that covers all of India.

“This is truly an historic moment,” said Dr. Silvia Torres-Peimbert, president of the IAU. “Until now, the world had 24 time zones – one for each hour in the day. We have always rigorously measured and observed a number of factors to maintain the integrity of the system. But in the past 40 years, small anomalies had crept into our data – and these incidents have been increasing steadily over the years.”

“These anomalies were surprisingly consistent,” continued Dr. Torres-Peimbert. “The measurements were always 1-2 hours behind all of our other recordings. We had a devil of a time determining the source of the anomalies. We combed through all of our available data, cross-referencing the data with dates, times, the rotation of the earth’s axis, etc. But one of our vice presidents noticed something that shattered our perception of time.”

“I was the first person to record an anomaly back in 1976,” said IAU Vice President Dr. Ajit Khembavi. “I was stationed in Mumbai at the time. Until 1985, I was the only one capable of recording these anomalies. Starting in 1985, the instances of the anomalies doubled.”

“When I took a harder look at the data, it was from an astronomer in the UK, Dr. Bharati Davenport. At first I thought maybe she was the child of hippy British parents but when I met her at a conference, it turned out that she is a desi who married a white dude. And she and I were the only Indians in the conference. Then I had a thought: what if only Indians were able to measure the anomalies?”

“I immediately pored through all the anomalous data, looking at the names of all the scientists who were involved: Singh, Gupta, Pal, Kumar, Pandey, Bhatia, Desouza. Every single instance was recorded by an Indian. And then I realized exactly what the source is: we all have an innate ability to warp the space-time continuum. Even the most accurate instruments in the world are affected by it.”

“This is one of the significant scientific developments in history,” said Dr. Torres-Peimbert. “For years people have invested tremendous amounts of time and money to try altering the fabric of space and time. It turns out that there are over 1 billion people on Earth who are able to do this naturally. And there appears to be a compounding effect: the more Indians there are in one place, the greater the effect is. A Westerner in India will actually be able to warp space and time slightly for the duration of their stay.”

“The implications this discovery has for trade, marketing, and birthday parties is enormous,” said Dr. Khembavi. “But what does this mean for practical, every day life? It turns out that due to this personal time-field that each Indian on earth carries with them, we are never late to any engagement. We actually are precisely on time – and in most cases five minutes early.”

A spokesman for the Indian government hailed this announcement as a “day of pride for Indians everywhere.”

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